I’m going to be honest. I’m not sure where my intentions with posting this lie. I’ve had a super foggy head the last few days and it was put on my heart to write my feelings out. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s my time of the month (🤣), because Kyle has been on a work trip all week, or the stress of being one month away from our wedding (!!!) but I have not been present and I’m feeling the effects.
I don’t know if anyone else is like this but sometimes I lack the motivation to do anything. I do suffer from some aspects of depression, I’ve only really been full fledge depressed twice in my life. Once was the summer of 2015, and once was this past summer. I don’t know what it is about summer that drains me. But it’s January. And I’m feeling this way again. Even as I walked out of work today I thought to myself “the sky is clear and bright, it’s the perfect temperature, and I have the opportunity to make anything I want of my afternoon” however I still felt this underlying crummy feeling. The feeling I haven’t been able to shake all week.
So when I got home I did what I knew would make me feel better. I first talked to my mom. If you’re ever struggling, first, pray about it. Then, call your mom. I will totally admit I have not been praying like I should this week. But if you know anything about depression, it’s satan in disguise and it clouds your hope of Christ. So, after I talked to my mom, I cleaned. Not my crazy deep cleaning routine. That takes all day. But cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, tidied up, did some laundry. I listened to a podcast while I did so (s/o to gals on the go. Please go listen if you haven’t). I opened some windows and let some fresh air in and I soaked in my surroundings.
Then I turned to my wordpress app. I’m a phone gal. My laptop rarely gets opened. I thought, what could I write that would make not only me feel good, but others too? Then I remembered this quote I found on Pinterest. It totally stood out to me. This blog is a space for my words, for me to pour out my heart, my feelings. Yet, I’m also building a platform for myself on Instagram. I love Instagram. I’ll be the first to admit it. But it is one of those things that without balance comes an unhealthy relationship. I don’t ever want to worship the latest sales. I want to worship my savior!! I don’t want to idolize the Louis Vuitton bag that I so badly want. I want to fixate my eyes on something bigger, someone bigger.
I want to continue sharing the light. I want others to come to know Jesus as I have. And I don’t ever want to distract myself with earthly things from the bigger goal. Sometimes we get caught up in life on earth that we forget our purpose, we forget our “why”. And that’s what I needed to remember today. I needed to remember why I felt it so strongly to start sharing my life with others. It’s not for me, it’s for Him.
If you have anything heavy on your heart today, just know that Gods got you, you can conquer whatever demons you’re facing today.
If you read this whole thing then thank you for listening to my rambles. It may not make much sense what I spilled out up there, but my head feels a little clearer and I feel like I have the kickstart I need to finish out the week.
Xo – kenz